The Future's So Bright...

When your kid gets into a college that's right for them, you know you did something right!
Somehow, we did it.
This is what it feels like to WIN parenthood.
— Kristen Caven
On the nail-biting roller-coaster-ride of high school report cards, my husband "Dave" and I had stopped taking for granted the fact that Enzo would go to college, even though that had been his goal, and our assumption, all his life.
I had learned, in the struggle, that students with ADHD have the highest rates of dropping out of high school. We had learned to cheer when he managed to bring home a ‘C’ in a class he had struggled with.
We were prepared for the rejection letter from his top college choice, his fancy “reach” school. The counselor we’d hired to help point us in the right direction had impressed on him that there was only a 4% chance of someone with his grades getting into a program that only accepted 11% of applicants anyway… but a .0044% chance was, to him, a positive thing, still a chance, and he did some good writing on the application process.
But we weren’t prepared for the other rejection letters from his “target” and “safety” schools. But rejections come to every student these days, even the ones with 4.2 grade averages who apply to state schools.
And we certainly weren’t prepared when he told us he had been accepted to a college that he had applied to on a lark, the one where all his brilliant friends were going—one we were sure he could never get into! The day we visited campus and he enrolled, I was so impressed, every time we turned around, at what a good fit it was for him. My heart just kept soaring, and I laughed at myself for thinking, “This is what it feels like to WIN parenthood.”
Now, of course, the true test is whether he will be happy there (we think he will) and be able to stay on task (we think he will) and complete his transition into adulthood. But the lesson I learned was profound.
I learned to trust him. For all the effort and worry we had put into matching him up with the perfect school, into helping him because he misses details, he got what he wanted by following his heart. We had given him the support he needed, but mostly we had supported him in figuring out what he wanted. And when you are living with an interest-driven mind, you need to be able to listen to yourself.
I just couldn’t be more proud.
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TED Talk: A Difference In Cognition, Not A Disorder

HERE we go...!


A Junk-Juggling Journey

An Italian Walkabout becomes an Italian Schlep-About if you travel while ADD.
Life in the Fast Brain | posted by Kristen Caven
So there I was out in the world on my own, something I’d dreamed of doing when I was in my twenties but could not seem, in spite of my facility with languages, to ever pull things together enough to achieve. There is something universal and romantically attractive about a Walkabout, where you just go out in the world and let your impulses take you where they will.
My anxiety, before the trip, was centered around my suitcase.
— Kristen Caven
Except I had all this stuff. In my blog about Italy, which is some of the best hyperactive and impulsive and unpaid writing I ever hope to do, I talked about all sorts of interesting things, but what I did not write about in that venue was: How. Much. Time. It. Took. To. Pack!
My anxiety, before the trip, was centered around my suitcase. I scoured the internet trying to figure out if they wear jeans in Italy. I printed out lists, and still went around in circles. It’s hard enough to pack for a trip when you don’t know where you’re going, but when the trip changed radically, my suitcase just got fatter. Plus I wanted to do some shopping.
I stayed with a friend in an Ikea-furnished apartment, a tiny space with lots of well-organized drawers and shelves and fold-out gizmos and gadgets. My huge suitcase took up half the living room, and the piles around it took constant grooming. It’s true that with ADHD, our living spaces can sometimes reflect our cluttered, distracted minds, but away from my own drawers and shelves, I couldn’t find anything. I would sort my souvenirs and turn to the next pile, then forget where I had put things a second ago.
I am totally embarrassed to say that I took hours every day to dress and rearrange my suitcase. My emotional state, worrying about my friend at home, didn’t help either. Then one day I remembered to take my new medicine. I don’t know if that was the magic, or if the focused afternoon of exercise, communication, and stimulation got my mind to find the gear I needed, but something certainly changed. We spent the afternoon sightseeing, then drank delicious wine and ate amazing food and stayed out late driving around Rome. I was tired when we returned, but my mind was energized and clear and I was tuned in to my motivation...and I managed to get myself sorted out in record time! When I left the next day, everything was in its place and I didn’t forget a thing.
(Well, that’s not exactly true. I lost three gloves and left a box of overflow items… but I made it to the train on time!) I had a brilliant trip home.
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Tuning In To Make Tough Choices

Making choices (not an ADHD strong suit) means figuring out what you need.
Life in the Fast Brain | posted by Kristen Caven

I haven’t sent a blog for a while. I got a little distracted!
Prioritizing and making choices is not my strong suit, since I like to say 'yes' to everything.
— Kristen Caven
It boggles my mind how neurotypicals can just plan things and do them. For me, life always tends to take some interesting detour. I’m not sure if this is due to ADHD, but I know the universe responds to your thoughts… and like my father before me and my son after me, and so many curious and creative people I know…my thoughts go in a lot of directions.
I have been traveling abroad. I can’t believe I actually made it happen! But I set a goal, five years ago, to go to Europe for my next milestone birthday. I had no idea how to achieve this dream, but I just kept thinking about how happy it would make me. And somehow, it all came together.
Except that on the night before we left, my traveling companion, upon whom I was relying to help keep me focused and on track, went into the hospital! Of course I took it personally, had crying fits and shook my fists at the sky going “Why? WHY?” Then I just had to figure out what to do, which was agonizing. Prioritizing and making choices is not my strong suit since I like to say yes to everything. I wanted someone to tell me to stay home, since the thought of going alone kind of terrified me. But my friend, beatific in her hospital gown and paper brain surgery hat, held my hand and gazed lovingly into my eyes and said, “Kristen, I'll be fine. Do what you need to do."
What is it about ADHD that makes it so hard for us, sometimes, to know what we need? Is it that we are so easily distracted and drawn to whatever person or idea is in front of us? Or is it that every emotion, every desire, feels equally important? When the pressure is on, it is even harder to make a decision. Fortunately, after the crying fits, I remembered I DO have some self-sorting skills in my repertoire.
When I’m out of touch with my inner guidance system, here are the top four things in my toolkit: talking to friends, talking to my mom, writing, and taking a walk in nature. My friends were great listeners, but I found myself tallying up their opinions and not hearing my own. When I talked to my mom, I realized I didn’t have enough information yet—and was at least able to decide to postpone my ticket for a day or two rather than canceling it. The next day, I tried to write it through. While writing, I could hear how jumbled my thoughts were; only a walk outside could clear my head.
Putting one foot in front of the other, as humans have done for millions of years (12 miles per day, on average, according to Brain Rules by John Medina), I was able to tune in to my interest-driven mind, and to hear the smallest voices inside, the ones that hadn’t been clear. I could finally hear what I needed.
Ultimately, what it came down to were two things, the first being Enzo. I needed to set an example for him of how to move through a hard time, even when it’s super scary and you have to go on faith. I also needed to let him have the experience of time without mom—waking himself up in the morning, feeding himself, taking a few more steps towards being a grown-up.
And the second one was the tiniest whisper of happiness that called. Even though my heart was broken about visiting art museums, I realized there was a mountain I wanted to climb. I needed to stick by my dream and celebrate my Nth year of being me!
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The Fluid of the Brain

A visit to a craniosacral therapist and an introduction to an obscure but pleasurable—and highly effective—ADHD treatment.

In the scene in Young Frankenstein just before Dr. Frankenstein (as played by the hilarious Gene Wilder) turns the monster’s life around, he strokes the bewildered face of his creation (played by the delightful Peter Boyle) and cries out, “If I could just find a way to balance hiscerebro-spinal fluid, he would be right as rain!”
Loud, opinionated voices call it quackery, drowning out those who have experienced positive results.
— Kristen Caven
I burst out laughing (as one does, watching this comedy classic) because screenwriter Mel Brooks really got that one right! Craniosacral therapy can really sort you out.
When Enzo fell down the stairs at age three (a long and horrible story that includes an exuberant puppy at the top of the stairs that got between dad and the toddler), I took him to a chiropractor, since a cracked tailbone as a teen had taught me how a good chiropractor can speed up the healing process. The doctor offered to do someCraniosacral therapy. I said what?
She showed me the picture of a boxer in the midst of getting smashed in the face, and you could see how misshapen his head was. “Our skull has joints,” she explained, “that don’t move very much, but when they get out of whack they can cause a lot of problems.” It really helped Enzo, and he loved the treatment so much he’d often ask me for a head rub before bed. “Do it just like the chiropractor did it,” he would insist.
It wasn’t until years later, when I was being treated for my whiplash n’ concussion, that I learned CST is used, sometimes, for ADHD. This was no surprise to me, since my head always felt so much clearer and less foggy after a treatment. “There was one guy I knew,” the doctor told me as she pressed her fingers into my skull, “who was having so much success helping kids with ADHD that the Ritalin people smeared his business and he had to fight to keep his license.” Which, if it is true, is quite a shame. ADD meds are so powerful and effective and well-established that “The Ritalin People” need not fear natural care. As a matter of fact, they could afford to help the little guys—maybe by funding some blind, controlled scientific studies, to legitimize the truckloads of anecdotal evidence. When physical trauma is at the root of their symptoms, people need true healing.
I went online when I got home, and did some research on CST and ADHD. There are pages of stories and studies that show CST's positive benefits for hyperactivity, impulsivity, and sensitivity. Of course there are also plenty of studies that show it is ineffective (knock it off, Ritalin People!)—and loud, opinionated voices that call it quackery, drowning out those who have experienced positive results. A few months later, an upper-neck specialist shone some light on why it works sometimes: we have an intricate network of blood vessels where our skull meets our spine. If the top vertebra, the Atlas bone, for example, is twisted (you can sometimes feel a bump on one side or the other), it affects blood flow to the brain, which is why head trauma can cause symptoms resembling ADHD. Sometimes ADHD is genetic, sometimes it is situational/environmental, so obviously CST won’t resolve every case. But there are some stories about there about highly troubled children whose behavioral issues simply disappear once they get their cerebro-spinal fluid balanced.
Overall, CST is exceptionally gentle, feels good, can’t hurt you, and has many health benefits—it can even help with the common cold. It is safe to use on small children, and a good practitioner will teach you how. Head rubs at night calmed Enzo and helped him sleep. CST can be used instead of or in addition to chiropractic care. I think more people should know about it—especially those who feel they are living with a “monster” they wish were "right as rain."
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The Mid-Year Check-in

An interview with Dr. Adelaide Robb gives great guidelines for parents dealing with teachers…but takes an awkward turn, thanks to ADHD.

Life in the Fast Brain | posted by Kristen Caven

This fall, I was granted an interview with Dr. Adelaide Robb, a big-time psychopharmacologist with ongoing research studies in mood disorders, schizophrenia, and post traumatic stress disorder, and Chief of the Division of Psychology and Behavioral Health of the Children's National Health System, which aims to combine psychological and psychiatric services to treat the medically ill child.
I felt let down by the school I work so hard for as a parent volunteer.
— Kristen Caven
It was during that busy time of my son's senior year when I was frantically trying to get ACT accommodations, and being denied because extra time on tests, though it is something all of Enzo's teachers provided, was not explicitly stated in his 504 plan, so I was crying some days, feeling let down by the school I work so hard for as a parent volunteer, and hugging people on other days who stepped up to help with this problem. I was also falling behind with work deadlines, watching my creative goals fall by the sidelines, and pursuing treatment for my own issues of distractibility.
I managed to miscommunicate with Dr. Robb's publicist, so the day I was prepared for an interview she didn't call, and the day we rescheduled I was rushing around between appointments. In other words, I was in high ADHD multitasking mode and my first attempt at medication was making me feel—well, different. And then she called. TEN MINUTES EARLY. And I was flustered.
Here's the interview, which is packed full of super helpful advice for parents who can use some guidance on what steps to take to help their kids.
And here's the awkward behind-the-scenes intro that I had to find time, find software, and learn software to edit out…
And now this information has missed the time frame for which it was intended…but it will to be useful at any time to parents who need it!


Let Them Fail?

The hardest part in getting help is letting your kid's problems show.

A 9th grade single mom called me, distraught. “I know my son has attention problems,” she said, “and I don’t know what to do.” She went on to describe a history of rat-nest backpacks, forgotten homework, impulsive decisions and other familiar-sounding struggles.
The sooner you can let him fail, the sooner you’ll get the help you need.
— Kristen Caven
My mind went back to those desperate ninth grade nights, when the red marks would start showing up on the online grading system. Until then, we’d believe our son was doing just fine. All the teachers would just tell us what a pleasure he was to have in class, and for the most part, he liked school and understood what he was learning. But in spite of his good attitude and a good work ethic, his world was crumbling around him and he couldn’t see it. He wanted to take care of things himself, but when we’d open his binders, it was like peering into the abyss. We’d help by sorting papers and trying to triage the problems. There were plenty of pep talks, but the feelings of overwhelm drained and distracted our whole family.
Enzo passed ninth grade only because he had two parents involved on his side in The Big Struggle—pushing through feelings of blame, shame, and resentment. I tried a few times to wake him up at 4am to finish his homework like Obama’s mom did for her son, but I couldn’t wake myself up—we all needed our sleep to prepare for the marathon of constant do-overs. Every single marking period was a white-knuckle ride, made worse when overworked teachers didn’t sound the alert until a few days before the end of the term. Every single report card caused a family blowup as our high expectations of our GATE-identified child were challenged again and again. We began to whisper, then say out loud, maybe he’s just a C student. By tenth grade we were much less hopeful...and completely exhausted.
“The reason that our son got a 504 plan,” I explained to this parent, “is that his grades were spiraling downwards, and we couldn’t keep him on track by ourselves anymore.” Other parents we knew had brought paperwork from specialists showing a learning disability, but their students were stonewalled from getting help—because in a public school, B students do not appear, mathematically, to need accommodations. This mom’s bright young quarterback had been to a private middle school on a scholarship, where differences were not seen as disorders. The teachers there had bent over backwards to help her charming son succeed—and not because they had a legal obligation to do so.
I gave her the best advice I could. A letter from the private school would help, but the sooner she could get her son a referral, the sooner the school would be on her side. “Tighten your seatbelts,” I said—hating what next came out of my mouth, but wanting to save her the pain we’d felt—“the sooner you can let him fail, the sooner you’ll get the help you need.”